Beer Laos

So just a little behind with my blog...

After three days in Chiang Mai, I make my way along with 11 boisterous Isralis to the town of Pai. Three hours by bus and I'm spoilt with my very own Hebrew chorus. My bungalow sat on the hill overlooking the town and countryside so I reclined in my balcony hammock and admired the view; the only sounds audible were a faint sawing, cockerels crowing to each other and the occasional cow. I was liking Pai already!

Two objects for survival in Pai: hammock and moped. Hammock sorted, I decided my next job was to find me a moped. The kindly gentleman sensed that I was a amateur in the world of motorised two-wheelers and took me to a nearby field to practice first. I then lasted four hours in the company of the moped before deciding our match wasn't one made in heaven and with a wipe of my brow exchanged it for a trusty push-bike. My decision was encouraged by innocent passerby's screams at my technique taking corners.

The next morning I rose at 6.30am to accompany the hostel owners, Darling and Peter, to the hot springs just out of town. We took a breakfast of eggs that can be boiled in one of the 80 degree springs. You can't swim in that one. Later on I joined several others at a bar in town, became rather inebriated and the group of 10 went on our merry way on three mopeds to the next bar (sorry Mum). Luckily their moped skills were a lot better than mine. It was here that I learnt of the precarious activity of Vang Vieng tubing in Laos. The next day was spent in the hammock. The cockerels crowing weren't so appealing now. Then I reluctantly boarded my bus to Chiang Khong to make the early morning border crossing into Laos.

After spending two days drifting down the Mekong River and with extremely numb hindquarters in tow, I arrive in Luang Prabang. I head out with my new German compadres and several Beer Lao's later we find ourselves at the local 'Club Doufa', complete with after party at the town's bowling alley. I become acquainted with my first Lao Whisky cocktail, which is to develop into a bit of a love/hate relationship. We stay at Phousi Guest House, which creates great amusement when telling the tuk tuk driver at the end of the night. Feeling slightly below par, the following day we head to L'Etranger cafe to watch a film. The film of choice isn't to my taste, however, the subtitles provide more than enough entertainment. The English for gremlin, according to Laos translation, is 'dwarf Satan', whatever is simply 'let it be' and bullshit becomes 'nonscensical talk'. Throw in a few 'thank you please' and there you have it!

Anyway, one last day to climb Phousi Mountain and celebrate the Buddhist festival marking the end of lent and it's onwards in true Asian style, complete with potholes, lucky puppies with an extra life and not-so-lucky ducks, to the infamous Vang Vieng. After one too many Lao Whisky buckets the night before, I start my day of tubing with high hopes for delayed intoxicity. How wrong I was! An overview of the day's activities: 12:30pm - arrive at first bar, 1pm - first rum and coke, 2pm first Lao Whisky bucket, 3pm - jumping in mudbaths and not only dancing, but seemingly enjoying very poor music.

The river hated me; you are required to drift down to the next bar in the inner tube of a tyre and unfortunately it kept taking me in a different direction to everyone else. It took me through some debris and my bikini bottoms were almost ripped off by an errant river sprig. I was then advised to abandon ship and wade to the side where my drunken legs continued to fail me and take me under. The only way to console myself when I reached the bar was with a trusty Whisky bucket. Completely ignoring any sensible advise, the darkness crept up on us and we were required to float back to town in pitch black. The only way to revive ourselves when we reached dry land...you guessed it...

Phleng Chat Thai

First day in Bangkok I reconvened with Piers and Nat and off we went for a day of sightseeing. We survived the canal trip, you literally hurl yourself onto the boat as it doesn't stop, and we found ourselves near our chosen destination – the Golden Mount. After wasting two hours with a disreputable tuk tuk driver we found ourselves back at the Golden Mount. Later we got round to reading the 'dangers and annoyances' section in our guidebooks and our whole afternoon was described in black and white. Piers later prevented two other tourists from making the same mistake and was consequently verbally abused by the tuk tuk driver, albeit he did only know one English swear word. It went something along the lines of “you fuck fuck fuck you fuck…” and so on. Not a great start. We found ourselves wary of everyone after this, granted we made some poor tourist decisions. Our curiosity got the better of us, however you will get sexually harassed by prostitutes at a ping pong show, and they’re not fussy. Man, woman or beast. Do as I did and sit in the middle of your friends, they find it hard to reach you there.

After a few days, I learnt to avoid the tuk tuk drivers and a few of Bangkok's charms sparkled through. Mostly involving food. I'm usually more of a broccoli and courgette sorta girl, however the fruit here is very agreeable. If the fruit to sum up China is banana, pineapple is definitely Thailand. It became a daily ritual to buy an abundance of pineapple from a street stall, then wash it down with a pineapple shake. I also found myself acquainted with a rather friendly banana roti, complete with chocolate and condensed milk. Dirty bitches! Bet you like the sound of that hey Rose! Obviously, I sampled my first red curry as soon as I could. My staple meal is currently red curry with brown rice, fruit lassi and several tissues.

I know people have asked why I waste my time going to the cinema whilst travelling. Well, I'm in a tropical country where it rains at times, I like the cinema, plus it costs about a quid here. And that includes free snacks! Before the film started at the Lido in Bangkok everyone rose to their feet, which I confusedly imitated. It is apparently customary to stand and respect the King whilst the national anthem plays. The royal family is taken very seriously in Thailand and people are jailed for vast lengths of time for anything remotely derogatory. However, they like to spring it on you at any moment; I was roaming around the Sunday Walking Street in Chiang Mai more recently, minding my own business and obnoxiously slurping the dregs of a pineapple smoothie, when I turned around to find everyone stood still in silent honour of the King.

Things are a lot easier when accompanied by people who know the city, and so a great night was had by all when meeting up with Ben and Dan. We started at a rooftop bar overlooking Bangkok, experienced some Thai jazz and ended up on Khao San Road. It was kick-started with the best Bloody Mary I've ever tasted so it was always going to be a good one.

Anyway, before I came travelling Cazza bought me some Dr Seuss to cheer me up if I ever became glum and this sums up my time in Bangkok. "With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town". Unless the street has pineapple on it of course.

My next stop in Thailand was Chiang Mai and what an ideal follow up to Bangkok. The people are amiable, the atmosphere relaxed, no tuk tuks as everywhere is in walking distance and even better street food! I approve. I stayed in the Green Tulip House hostel, run by two fabulous crazy ladies. I sent an English email for them so they presented me with a bread roll. A fancy bread roll. Anyway, anyone who gives me bread has got to be alright in my book.

I occupied myself with trekking, which included bamboo rafting, an elephant ride and hill tribe visits. I went on a night safari where I fed a four month old white tiger cub. And I was massaged by a Thai criminal. Lila Thai Massage supports released inmates from the Chiang Mai Women's Prison in earning a legal living and adapting back into the community. I had a two hour herbal body scrub and massage for next to nothing. God bless the crims and their cheap labour. How a Thai massage differs from a Chinese one, erm…let’s just say it’s a little more thorough!

Zang!

So...next stop Hong Kong. A land where whenever someone speaks it reminds me of Wayne's World. Ni-ha-bin-du-waaaaa! Now part of China, although this place couldn't be anymore different. Instead of hocking and gobbing wherever you please, if you're caught spitting anywhere in Hong Kong there's an automatic $5000 (500 quid) fine. It attracts the same punishment as smoking where you shouldn't. Those Hong Kongers are certainly into their hygiene. I felt the odd one out without a surgical face mask and it's advertised at every opportunity that handrails are disinfected four times a day. I guess it's their attempt at keeping the unemployment rate down. Dedicated Handrail Sanitiser is a full time job, not to mention an important and respected career. Even my hotel lift buttons had their own personal disinfector.

One day into my stay and Typhoon Koppu hit, moving 200km off of Hong Kong Island. It received a signal warning 8, which means "you are strongly recommended to stay indoors for your own saftey. Offices, shops, banks and schools will close, public transport services could be suspended at any time". For the residents of Hong Kong, woooo day off school, half day at work! However, for a tourist not much fun. Good job I'd discovered the independent Broadway Cinematheque and adjoining Kubrick Cafe. I was going to spend a lot of time here over the next couple of days.

I'd started becoming a little tiresome of my own company by Wednesday and was coincedentally handed a flyer for a new bar named Rockschool where ladies drank free all night. I don't need to be told twice so off I went. Unfortuntely, the bar was inhibited by several skinny Filipino girls in pink DMs and Bon Jovi live on repeat. I drank as much free vodka as I could stomach (well maybe not as I proceeded to consume a lot more) and onwards I went. Luckily my agenda had synchronised with two fellow Lonely Planet Guide owners and it turned out to be a great night with new drinking associates Piers and Nat. The next day was a write off.

I couldn't miss the short ferry trips to outlying islands. Firstly, Lantau Island for the Big Buddha and Po Lin Monastery. The indoor area at the top of the Big Buddha is disinfected with a ratio of 1:99 bleach to water, so the sign told me.

Secondly, Lamma Island...many visit for the great seafood restaurants on the shore. I missed the appeal of Man Kee Restaurant and instead found a great second hand bookshop/eating establishment named Bookworm Cafe. Lamma turned out to be a very relaxed island with great beaches, I definitely could have spent longer there.

All too soon my stay in Hong Kong was over. Next chapter...Bangkok!

'Xie xie' is the new 'tack'‏

China...teenagers are more likely to take your picture with their mobile phone than steal yours and there's no need to even step foot on a bus as taxis cost about 10p anywhere. OK, so every other person wants to sell you something, they'd probably offer you their own mother if you showed interest, but at least she's tangible.

However, to say existing in China without Mandarin is an endurance test is a tiny bit of an understatement. I have certainly learnt to appreciate some simpler aspects of daily life. I found myself in jubilation in the presence of a toilet not involving a thigh and calf workout. Memories of festival She Pees are not welcome. I have only been in Hong Kong for 24 hours and already I'm rejoicing everytime I use a pedestrian crossing, join a queue or pass a local that ignores me. I never realised I was such a health and safety Nazi, but hurtling around cliff tops with just a couple of two foot concrete stumps to stop you falling to your dizzying end isn't my idea of an exciting adrenalin rush. If you're really lucky you might get a few traffic cones and if you're really, really lucky perhaps a rope punctuated with red plastic bags.

These weren't the kind of simple things I was hoping to enjoy more and despite them...actually because of them it was very much worth it. My highlights include...

My first night in Beijing...after a failed attempt at navigating myself on foot and a lengthy game of charades with the hotel staff, I finally found myself in a taxi hurtling and beeping my way to my desired destination; a Buddist restaurant named Jingsi Su Shifang. Chosen for my herbivore needs, it definitely didn't disappoint. I resisted the mouthwatering sounding "veggie crystal pig's trotters" and "sautéd chicken gizzards". Even in meatless versions, I couldn't quite conjure up a rumble for these delicacies. The inquisitively named "braised dishcloth gourd with yellow fungus" was intriguing, but instead I opted for something a lot less adventurous.

I was very proud to survive a seven mile trek along the spectacular Great Wall. I know that doesn't sound like much, but you try climbing 100 decaying steps to a watchtower, then descending 100 decaying steps, all in 30 degree heat and 85% humidity. Oh and times that by 30. I was dragged up half of them by a 50 year old local woman. She called me beautiful so I bought an "I climbed the Great Wall" T-Shirt from her.

I would never tire of exploring the various People's Parks across China. There's something very endearing about old people dancing in the middle of the day, with no inhibitions, to a curious hybrid of traditional Peking opera and rave. Admittedly, there were a couple of middle aged men attempting Bollywood moves, but looking more like they were a danger to young children. We won't hold it against them though, they were enjoying themselves.

After seeing Damian's Chinglish, I promised to look out for my own - who knew this could be so fun. My personal favourite was "Take care of your head". I also came across some dodgy looking uncomplimentary hotel product described "like fire to one's hearts content". Ahem.

One of my favourite stops was Yangshou. I ate banana pancakes, I browsed thousands of tatpieces, I paused for a banana milkshake, I enjoyed an hour long full body massage, I ate hummous and pitta (in China!), I drifted around the mountains on a raft, I watched Zhang Yimou's Liu San Jie Show and feasted on my favourite meal of the whole trip (complete with birthday cake), which came to less than a Pret sandwich!

I will miss the Chinese goodwill - never before has so many people said hello to me on the street. So I guess they could have been giving themselves more time to admire my strange nose and pale skin. Despite speaking little or no English they're never shy of going completely out of their way to help you out. On my last day I was gazing gormlessly at what I thought was the HK ticket booth, unaware that a note was directing people upstairs. I loitered for a few seconds before a young man came to my rescue, pointed upstairs, waited while I put my bags through security, guided me to the correct desk and ushered me to the waiting room - all done in complete silence and then went on his merry way. Whatta guy!

Finally, I guess I should mention my new friends...what do you say to that Lynne!?

Farewell England

So, I am no longer a Londoner. No more wayward teenagers with a penchant for your mobile phone, no more nocturnal miscreants with a penchant for your £1.10 in return for her ‘two year bus pass’ and no more bus doors with a penchant for your little toe. OK I will probably find these delights elsewhere and it was pretty great too, but this is no time to reminisce.

For the past two weeks I have been revelling in some reclusive behaviour in the depths of East Anglia. I am now reacquainted with fields, Mum’s cooking, the alternative Fenlander dictionary and the current trials and tribulations on Ramsey Street. I think it’s time to drag myself away from the excitement and unleash myself on the East of a worldwide variety. I’ve made one unlucky discovery that has dared to scupper my plans. I seem to be allergic to dogs. I’m spending some time working for a dog foundation in Thailand. Helpful.

Apart from the obvious, my initial aims are to converse more with strangers during relative sobriety and enjoy the simpler things in life. And for the record, I’m not going to ‘find myself’, I’m going to have shitloads of fun. I’m off! See ya later England, wouldn’t wanna be YA!