Zang!

So...next stop Hong Kong. A land where whenever someone speaks it reminds me of Wayne's World. Ni-ha-bin-du-waaaaa! Now part of China, although this place couldn't be anymore different. Instead of hocking and gobbing wherever you please, if you're caught spitting anywhere in Hong Kong there's an automatic $5000 (500 quid) fine. It attracts the same punishment as smoking where you shouldn't. Those Hong Kongers are certainly into their hygiene. I felt the odd one out without a surgical face mask and it's advertised at every opportunity that handrails are disinfected four times a day. I guess it's their attempt at keeping the unemployment rate down. Dedicated Handrail Sanitiser is a full time job, not to mention an important and respected career. Even my hotel lift buttons had their own personal disinfector.

One day into my stay and Typhoon Koppu hit, moving 200km off of Hong Kong Island. It received a signal warning 8, which means "you are strongly recommended to stay indoors for your own saftey. Offices, shops, banks and schools will close, public transport services could be suspended at any time". For the residents of Hong Kong, woooo day off school, half day at work! However, for a tourist not much fun. Good job I'd discovered the independent Broadway Cinematheque and adjoining Kubrick Cafe. I was going to spend a lot of time here over the next couple of days.

I'd started becoming a little tiresome of my own company by Wednesday and was coincedentally handed a flyer for a new bar named Rockschool where ladies drank free all night. I don't need to be told twice so off I went. Unfortuntely, the bar was inhibited by several skinny Filipino girls in pink DMs and Bon Jovi live on repeat. I drank as much free vodka as I could stomach (well maybe not as I proceeded to consume a lot more) and onwards I went. Luckily my agenda had synchronised with two fellow Lonely Planet Guide owners and it turned out to be a great night with new drinking associates Piers and Nat. The next day was a write off.

I couldn't miss the short ferry trips to outlying islands. Firstly, Lantau Island for the Big Buddha and Po Lin Monastery. The indoor area at the top of the Big Buddha is disinfected with a ratio of 1:99 bleach to water, so the sign told me.

Secondly, Lamma Island...many visit for the great seafood restaurants on the shore. I missed the appeal of Man Kee Restaurant and instead found a great second hand bookshop/eating establishment named Bookworm Cafe. Lamma turned out to be a very relaxed island with great beaches, I definitely could have spent longer there.

All too soon my stay in Hong Kong was over. Next chapter...Bangkok!

'Xie xie' is the new 'tack'‏

China...teenagers are more likely to take your picture with their mobile phone than steal yours and there's no need to even step foot on a bus as taxis cost about 10p anywhere. OK, so every other person wants to sell you something, they'd probably offer you their own mother if you showed interest, but at least she's tangible.

However, to say existing in China without Mandarin is an endurance test is a tiny bit of an understatement. I have certainly learnt to appreciate some simpler aspects of daily life. I found myself in jubilation in the presence of a toilet not involving a thigh and calf workout. Memories of festival She Pees are not welcome. I have only been in Hong Kong for 24 hours and already I'm rejoicing everytime I use a pedestrian crossing, join a queue or pass a local that ignores me. I never realised I was such a health and safety Nazi, but hurtling around cliff tops with just a couple of two foot concrete stumps to stop you falling to your dizzying end isn't my idea of an exciting adrenalin rush. If you're really lucky you might get a few traffic cones and if you're really, really lucky perhaps a rope punctuated with red plastic bags.

These weren't the kind of simple things I was hoping to enjoy more and despite them...actually because of them it was very much worth it. My highlights include...

My first night in Beijing...after a failed attempt at navigating myself on foot and a lengthy game of charades with the hotel staff, I finally found myself in a taxi hurtling and beeping my way to my desired destination; a Buddist restaurant named Jingsi Su Shifang. Chosen for my herbivore needs, it definitely didn't disappoint. I resisted the mouthwatering sounding "veggie crystal pig's trotters" and "sautéd chicken gizzards". Even in meatless versions, I couldn't quite conjure up a rumble for these delicacies. The inquisitively named "braised dishcloth gourd with yellow fungus" was intriguing, but instead I opted for something a lot less adventurous.

I was very proud to survive a seven mile trek along the spectacular Great Wall. I know that doesn't sound like much, but you try climbing 100 decaying steps to a watchtower, then descending 100 decaying steps, all in 30 degree heat and 85% humidity. Oh and times that by 30. I was dragged up half of them by a 50 year old local woman. She called me beautiful so I bought an "I climbed the Great Wall" T-Shirt from her.

I would never tire of exploring the various People's Parks across China. There's something very endearing about old people dancing in the middle of the day, with no inhibitions, to a curious hybrid of traditional Peking opera and rave. Admittedly, there were a couple of middle aged men attempting Bollywood moves, but looking more like they were a danger to young children. We won't hold it against them though, they were enjoying themselves.

After seeing Damian's Chinglish, I promised to look out for my own - who knew this could be so fun. My personal favourite was "Take care of your head". I also came across some dodgy looking uncomplimentary hotel product described "like fire to one's hearts content". Ahem.

One of my favourite stops was Yangshou. I ate banana pancakes, I browsed thousands of tatpieces, I paused for a banana milkshake, I enjoyed an hour long full body massage, I ate hummous and pitta (in China!), I drifted around the mountains on a raft, I watched Zhang Yimou's Liu San Jie Show and feasted on my favourite meal of the whole trip (complete with birthday cake), which came to less than a Pret sandwich!

I will miss the Chinese goodwill - never before has so many people said hello to me on the street. So I guess they could have been giving themselves more time to admire my strange nose and pale skin. Despite speaking little or no English they're never shy of going completely out of their way to help you out. On my last day I was gazing gormlessly at what I thought was the HK ticket booth, unaware that a note was directing people upstairs. I loitered for a few seconds before a young man came to my rescue, pointed upstairs, waited while I put my bags through security, guided me to the correct desk and ushered me to the waiting room - all done in complete silence and then went on his merry way. Whatta guy!

Finally, I guess I should mention my new friends...what do you say to that Lynne!?